Bipolar Bear (a week to go)

This is it.

I told Muffet that I am more excited to see her visit me in Japan than me actually going there. But that’s half true. I am excited too but for some reason I am having a hard time deciphering what I really feel about this whole thing.

It’s a bit difficult to assess if it’s the fact that I’ll be gone for a long time, longer than my usual shenanigans. I can travel for a month without really missing anybody or anything. I can be gone without anybody really noticing. So I’m not quite sure if that’s the real reason. Maybe it is because this time, I will be on my own.

I’ll be travelling with two colleagues from my college. One is a high school friend and another whom I met because of graduate studies. Carla (my high school friend) and I have this on and off kind of relationship. We see each other after high school but we are not really as close as we use to. We have things in common but sometimes not quite. I tend to be the talkative type; she tends to be the quiet irate one. We will be living in the same neighborhood but I am not sure if our apartments will be near enough. I think that distance is important. Alma, my classmate in grad school, is a different person altogether. I don’t think we have anything in common. But I like her sometimes. Carla doesn’t like her much. But I think her presence will be beneficial, she is the mother-type (she has two children). She has much experience with travelling being a flight attendant for a long time. I can learn from her experiences. And financially, I think she is more stable.

I won’t be completely alone. But with separate apartments, I will be having more alone time. More “me” time.

“Me” time is another thing that I have been wishing and dreading. Ever since I got back from my 1 and a half month stay in Kuala Lumpur assisting my sick sister, I was hoping for a break from everybody. The weight of what I have experienced there (my sister in a coma for 4 days, losing her memory, her not being able to move being bedridden for a long time) is insurmountable. I have never been so tired in my life. The shock is that I didn’t feel weary when I was actually there. I felt it after a month being back home. And the most difficult thing about that, just when I was ready to take that much needed break, it’s already the start of the semester.

So I was wishing for Japan. Japan would be my escape. It would be my time off from the world. But I’m also dreading it too.

Dread sounds a bit awful, but I am also scared that too much “me” time would translate to loneliness. I think I have enough of that already. From losing my dream job, my sister’s aneurysm, my best friend working in a different country, losing my boyfriend, I think I have enough drama. I can even make a soap opera out of my stories. Drama is different from being lonely, but my loneliness or depression tends to create drama in my life. I don’t think I need that.

Muffet said that all these thoughts are because I’m having separation anxiety. I guess she is right. She tends to be right most of the time, except for her own realities.

I know this blog is not encouraging or helping anyone who wishes to travel or stay in a foreign country for a long time but this is a reality we need to face. Leaving our love ones, our own rooms, our friends, and our comfort zone is very difficult. It is a process we all need to undergo. It’s hard but I think we can bear it. That’s also the reason we have blogs or diary, to let loose of some of these emotions, these anxieties so we can take whatever this new adventure will give us.

Japan, I’m coming!

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2 thoughts on “Bipolar Bear (a week to go)

  1. I never knew you’ve gone through such heartaches. I’ve always known you as someone who’s not being affected by drama, who just smoke or dance those pains away. And you feeling tired, is a newsflash to me. I thought you’re a superwoman. lol.

    Now seriously, I couldn’t be happier for you Joan! I wish you all the best…

    cheers!

    1. superwoman? lol, more like quarter life drama queen!

      this is one of them days when I can’t sleep and anxieties start creeping in. but yes, most of the time i dance, smoke and sing my sorrows away 🙂

      thanks jen, i’ll be missing ten-jen-bhe tandem 🙂 sayawan niyo ako next time ah 🙂

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