On promises and compromise [1]

Without you telling me, I already know that you think that distance would make our hearts go weary. I thought of it at times, intensely, when my missing you becomes so unbearable. ā€˜Oceans apartā€™ as a metaphor becomes so real that one would doubt if such space can ever be filled. But as they say, any belief worth having (in our case, our love) must survive the turmoils of doubt. Because when doubt is nourished, it will turn dreams into nightmares and beliefs into pessimisms.

Never doubt. This would be our first promise.


will you still love me if my hair is red :)

I’ve been contemplating on whether or not to get my locks (if you can call this unruly hair such) strawberry red. I don’t know. Maybe the Japanese are getting into me. Lol. But yes, I’ve been wondering how I would look with red hair. I got inspired by a friend’s “dyeing failure”. She experiments a lot with her hair (I rarely do). I hyperventilated just having my hair chopped!

So just to get myself acquainted (what a term!), I tried an on-line hairstyle generator, Hairmixer.

Here are some of the stupid and wacky results (and no I don’t want Scarlet’s hair):

Can’t stop laughing my ass off! First my face is not proportion with the image, and well, I look yellow. Haha. But I kind of liking the Debra Messing hair (hair#2) rather than the Desperate Housewives’s lovely red head (hair#1). So what do you guys think?

Would you still love me even if my hair’s red?

10 Most Important Things

I’ve noticed that I dwell too much on my emotions that tends to make me exhausted, tired and redundant. When I say emotions, I mean love, loneliness, melancholy, fear, frustrations, hate. It’s not always a bad thing. Funny things is, I write better when “emotional”. However,I put too much energy into writing, thinking and singing about it that sometimes it can literally makes me cry. Counter-productive right? So now I am embarking in a new project inspired by Keri Smith‘s blog entry on 100 ideas.

I know how she feels about someone recreating her art. But I promise to make it my own. We are not the same person so it would be near impossible to be Keri Smith. I would be my self. And myself should reverberate in my work.

1.List your ten most important things, (not including animals or people.)

In no particular order, my ten most important things (that doesn’t include pet or people) are: dancing, music, sun/warmth, sustainable development, my alien registration card, fiber supplements, my house keys, my laptop and internet connection, panther my bike and having alternatives or choices.

It was actually difficult choosing what’s important to me. When the word “important” is talked about or discussed, more often names of people come up first. It took me whole day to finalize this list. To make it easier, I thought of important things as to what I have emotional attachment with, having practical use in my daily and concepts that I adhere, belief or live by. Most of what I listed are based on my context. If I’m not here in Japan, I would have no bike (since it is near impossible to cycle around the Philippines without getting hit by cars or suffocated by air pollution), I wouldn’t need a house key (our house is practically open 24/7) and I don’t have to walk around being an alien with an identification. Haha.

The other seven I listed are practically everything that’s important to me wherever and whenever. It’s my essentials. It’s both my needs and wants. I don’t think I can live without these things, well maybe the laptop and internet connection I can live without (sometimes :p). And also my fiber supplement, there are alternatives I know. But like music and dancing, it’s so much a part of me, that without it, life (cliche as it may seem) would be meaningless. Same with alternatives. I am fortunate to live in a time where alternatives are abundant, and I a more fortunate to have the capacity to choose (I know not everyone has the same freedom). Importantly, I appreciate the presence and warmth of the sun. It would be winter soon, and I am truly dreading it. I know how the sun doesn’t really disappear in winter (hahaha) but the thought of not feeling its warmth makes me one to go home and appreciate the hot sweaty Manila. Sustainable development! I just don’t want a sustainable future but I aspire for green revolution. It is quest I would pursue, hopefully not forever.

So there. That’s my 10 most important things. I am proud of myself in actually taking the time to list them down (although I want to add more) but these ten I think best represent the present “me”.

So what’s your 10 MOST IMPORTANT THINGS?

then I moved on…

Dear You,

There’s so many things I haven’t let go, memories, photos, messages, addiction. It took me four months to actually made myself stop. And I did it unintentionally. I just found myself one day, while waiting for you, deleting memories of past I tried to hold on to. I don’t know what pushed me to do it or why I did it. I was just sitting there and I felt no pain or loneliness while actually doing it.

Maybe it was time. Maybe it’s our time.

That was my first step of letting it go.

Then came the day I dread, letting go of my addiction, the opiate that made my pain more bearable. At first, I didn’t want to face it. I was thinking if I really need to stop it. I told myself, the only way to actually make myself really happy is to confront it. So I did. It was very difficult. This addiction had helped me cope up with the battery I felt in my past relationship. It made me feel beautiful and appreciated. It made me realized that I deserve better. So I thank it for all the wonderful things it made me feel. Then I said goodbye.

I deleted it in my life forever.

It was hard letting go of a clandestine addiction. But I felt that a big weight was taken from my shoulders. I don’t have to feel guilty nor feel paranoid anymore. It was in a way, a big relief, saying goodbye and letting go. Compare to deleting mountain of Ā memorabilia, this part took lots of guts and confidence. I was proud of myself.

I want you to know that I didn’t do it for you. I did it for myself. Ā Putting an end to all of it means I can start anew. AndĀ I want you to be my new beginning. I want to share everything with you. I want to give you my all without hesitations and regrets. I know it’s crazy. I’m the type of person who reserves a lot of herself so as to protect it. But I have confidence that you will protect the whole of me.

I wish, and I hope you will make this true, that this will be my last “letting go and moving on” story. Truthfully, I am secretly hoping that you will be my ending.

peace and love,

Me šŸ™‚