then I moved on…

Dear You,

There’s so many things I haven’t let go, memories, photos, messages, addiction. It took me four months to actually made myself stop. And I did it unintentionally. I just found myself one day, while waiting for you, deleting memories of past I tried to hold on to. I don’t know what pushed me to do it or why I did it. I was just sitting there and I felt no pain or loneliness while actually doing it.

Maybe it was time. Maybe it’s our time.

That was my first step of letting it go.

Then came the day I dread, letting go of my addiction, the opiate that made my pain more bearable. At first, I didn’t want to face it. I was thinking if I really need to stop it. I told myself, the only way to actually make myself really happy is to confront it. So I did. It was very difficult. This addiction had helped me cope up with the battery I felt in my past relationship. It made me feel beautiful and appreciated. It made me realized that I deserve better. So I thank it for all the wonderful things it made me feel. Then I said goodbye.

I deleted it in my life forever.

It was hard letting go of a clandestine addiction. But I felt that a big weight was taken from my shoulders. I don’t have to feel guilty nor feel paranoid anymore. It was in a way, a big relief, saying goodbye and letting go. Compare to deleting mountain of  memorabilia, this part took lots of guts and confidence. I was proud of myself.

I want you to know that I didn’t do it for you. I did it for myself.  Putting an end to all of it means I can start anew. And I want you to be my new beginning. I want to share everything with you. I want to give you my all without hesitations and regrets. I know it’s crazy. I’m the type of person who reserves a lot of herself so as to protect it. But I have confidence that you will protect the whole of me.

I wish, and I hope you will make this true, that this will be my last “letting go and moving on” story. Truthfully, I am secretly hoping that you will be my ending.

peace and love,

Me 🙂

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