as soon as the first petal falls

It seems that as fast as cherry blossom blooms comes the dreadful raindrops. I am not a fan of rain. Least to say, rainy weather makes me lonesome. Sometimes I really do wonder when spring will really come.

Starting tomorrow I would start counting days. Days left before my real departure from this country. Don’t confuse my words, Japan has been an interesting travail. It has been so far the longest time I’ve been to a foreign country. But somehow my feelings are that I’m stuck. My mind flows from one time warp to another. But my body physically limited to this small space.

People give advise of travelling far. I would love to, really I would. There is more to be witnessed in this part of the world. I haven’t even been to Tokyo! (What a travesty! LOL!) Just imagine that. But for some reason, I cannot settle both my feet down knowing that I will leave in just a few months. My feet are itching to explore, but somehow, not this country. Not at this time.

Gosh I need a new project!! I just need something to do to take my mind from counting seconds. I am that bored. Before I blame winter (although I was quite happy experiencing my first snow), now I blame rain. But I need to stop blaming flimsy weathers! I need to get my act down. And just start living. It would be temporary. But still it’s my life. I don’t aspire it to be exciting, I just want it to be awesome. Awesome enough not to make me feel like a retard.

Sheesh.

I know. I know. I don’t make sense. And I jump from one thought to another. But can you really blame me? I told you before. I don’t have anyone really to talk with.

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Tonight I Started Dreaming Again

I had been dreaming for almost three months. It was the most incredible dream ever. Stories were so vivid that every moment is etched in my mind even after I woke up. I nurtured this dream as one would to flawlessly live in a fantasy of ever after.

But one morning I woke up and realized that all those dreams faded in my memory. I cried all morning, asked myself how I can lose something so precious. Days past and still dreams vanished as if it never really happened.

I tried to ignore my dreamless nights. But darkness started slithering its way into my shallow, almost impassive mind. With darkness came fear and with fear, nightmares. My once beautiful happily ever after turned into an abyss of hopelessness and apprehension.

It became worst. Nights started to become a battlefield between good and evil, tormenting both my conscious and unconscious minds. It was the most horrible thing. I tried to cry myself to sleep. But it seemed sleep was not with my side too.

One night, I just gave up. I let everything go. Trying to restore my blissful imaginings was becoming a task, a burden that yielded more weariness. “Just let go”, I told myself. And I did. That night, I fell asleep.

The next morning, I was awakened by sunlight streaming into my windows. I got up from my bed, pulled the curtains aside and adjusted my eyes to the blinding lights outside. As my vision became clearer, the scene before me started to unfold. I never realized that outside my bedroom is a panoramic view of the calm, glimmering sea.

Right there and then, I thought to myself, I never really stopped dreaming. Life is a dream within a dream. This magnificent site before me is a testament that reality is not just mere fantasy. It is just the way you view your life. It is the way you perceive every moment.

Those three months I thought was my imagination is my life. I did not have enough faith to accept that such beautiful things does exist making trails for nightmares to thrive. But by recognizing dreams as our reality we become more courageous. Because dreaming means allowing ourselves to submerge into pools of youthful meanderings and making it come true. It means persevering against nightmares treating it as mere hurdles for us to triumph upon. And it also means believing again in happily ever after, knowing that it does not end there.

Tonight, I am happy to say, I started dreaming again.

almost new year :)

This will be my last blog for this year, 2010.

Most Filipinos have this belief that whatever you do in the eve of the new year would likely be your life for the rest of that particular year.

I’m in front of the laptop, and it would seem that most of the coming days my life would be in front of this machine. Or at least my life will be “on-line”. Lol. But it would be my preparation for making things happen.

Anyway, I just want to join th bandwagon of bloggers who posts before new year. Lol.

2011, see you soon!

Happy New Year everyone!

Let’s live life simply 🙂

My life with you as I imagined it

I never really share any of my dreams to anyone. My fantasies always remain in my head, locked during the day and unwrapped during the night. But this particular dream, I want to share with you because it is something I really want to happen. And it will only come true with you by my side, pursuing the tremendous ambition of our future together.

Let me begin by describing to you our home.

I dream living in a small house that is just about right for our little family. I imagined further living up the hill with views of sunset and paradise. I imagined it to be the same place where you took that photo of your village, with its magnificent sight. I want a home where I can sit forever staring at the great expanse of life while having long conversation with you.

I want us to dream together as dreamers would under the sky.

I also imagined our house to have a small patch of garden. I want us to grow vegetables and maybe some fruits too. Funny, because growing up I never really have my own garden. I never really know how to make things grow, but somehow I can tell, you would teach me how. But please be very patient with me, I may not have a green thumb.

One reason why I want a garden where we can pick our own food is because I want our children to eat healthy food. I don’t want them to be like me (their mother) who only started eating vegetables when I was in high school. I don’t want them to be choosy with food. I want them to learn to appreciate blessings from our soil. I am not asking them to be vegetarians (unless they choose to be one), but I want them to taste life’s blessings.

I also want a space where our children can freely run as wild as children should. I want a space for them to learn about Mother Earth first hand. I want them to discover how wonderful and beautiful our natural environment is, and early on, I want them to learn to be Earth’s stewards. I want to imbibe with them what we are as adults are struggling everyday, fighting for Earth’s protection.

This is my dream house. But basically, I do not want a house. I want a home where love grows everyday.

Now let me describe to you our children and how I imagined us to be as parents.

I imagined having two kids. They can be more, if we plan to make our family bigger. But now let me describe to you our first two children.

The eldest will be a baby girl. She will have your hair because I love your curly hair. I want to look at her and see you in her. I want her to move with grace but with confidence. I want her to be strong but still feminine. Our second child, my baby boy (you will always be my big baby) will be strong-willed with convictions. He will always have a protective stance over her elder sister. He will have your height and my smile. But I want him to have your kindness; he can cry and still be a man.

I want our children to be best friends. They can fight too, it is only normal for siblings to have misunderstandings. But I want them to learn from each other. They will also be each other’s teacher, as we promise ourselves to be with one another.

We should teach them to ask questions. We will teach them to be curious. It is only in curiosity that one can really learn. As parents, we should be very patient. We should answer each question with diligence. Never brainwash them about fairytale, but made them idealists who know the truths and realities of life. But we should remind them never be afraid to have dreams either. We are dreamers too, but we always keep one foot down as to remind us the challenge of achieving our objectives. We shall teach them the same thing.

I want our children to be independent. I want them to know what they want and have the guts to pursue them. Don’t worry. We will silently guide them through. But we want them to learn from their own mistakes, and know the consequences of their actions. We will teach them discipline, but we will never use violence in doing so. Physical punishments can never achieve anything. We will reprimand them, gave them our reasons for saying/doing it so, and make them understand.

But as parents, we should also admit when we are wrong. Never be too arrogant to admit our own mistakes. We should be the living examples. Also, we should also learn from our children. Not only them learning from us but us learning from them. We should always be curious too. Never stop learning and re-learning. They say that children always say the most amazing things, and ask the most difficult questions. We should see the world in their eyes sometimes.

It is difficult raising children, but I think it is more difficult raising our selves to be good parents.

Lastly, let me share with you how I imagined our family will be.

Well, actually it’s quite simple. I imagined our family to be full of love, a home where happiness blossoms and springs. It is a family that is not afraid to show their love towards each other. I want our family to have complete trust with one another. Never judging and always understanding.

I want our family to go with your motto: “when the going gets tough, the tough gets going”. We should always work hand in hand, no matter what struggles the world will give us. Knowing that we have each other, I think we will more than just survive. We will definitely manage it.

So there, that’s how I imagined my life with you. It is not clear yet, as this is just one side of the story. I want to hear what you have to say. I know you already envisioned our future together the same way I did. We are both thinkers and dreamers to begin with. But please do share it with me, and let’s make it both a reality.

On promises and compromise [1]

Without you telling me, I already know that you think that distance would make our hearts go weary. I thought of it at times, intensely, when my missing you becomes so unbearable. ‘Oceans apart’ as a metaphor becomes so real that one would doubt if such space can ever be filled. But as they say, any belief worth having (in our case, our love) must survive the turmoils of doubt. Because when doubt is nourished, it will turn dreams into nightmares and beliefs into pessimisms.

Never doubt. This would be our first promise.

then I moved on…

Dear You,

There’s so many things I haven’t let go, memories, photos, messages, addiction. It took me four months to actually made myself stop. And I did it unintentionally. I just found myself one day, while waiting for you, deleting memories of past I tried to hold on to. I don’t know what pushed me to do it or why I did it. I was just sitting there and I felt no pain or loneliness while actually doing it.

Maybe it was time. Maybe it’s our time.

That was my first step of letting it go.

Then came the day I dread, letting go of my addiction, the opiate that made my pain more bearable. At first, I didn’t want to face it. I was thinking if I really need to stop it. I told myself, the only way to actually make myself really happy is to confront it. So I did. It was very difficult. This addiction had helped me cope up with the battery I felt in my past relationship. It made me feel beautiful and appreciated. It made me realized that I deserve better. So I thank it for all the wonderful things it made me feel. Then I said goodbye.

I deleted it in my life forever.

It was hard letting go of a clandestine addiction. But I felt that a big weight was taken from my shoulders. I don’t have to feel guilty nor feel paranoid anymore. It was in a way, a big relief, saying goodbye and letting go. Compare to deleting mountain of  memorabilia, this part took lots of guts and confidence. I was proud of myself.

I want you to know that I didn’t do it for you. I did it for myself.  Putting an end to all of it means I can start anew. And I want you to be my new beginning. I want to share everything with you. I want to give you my all without hesitations and regrets. I know it’s crazy. I’m the type of person who reserves a lot of herself so as to protect it. But I have confidence that you will protect the whole of me.

I wish, and I hope you will make this true, that this will be my last “letting go and moving on” story. Truthfully, I am secretly hoping that you will be my ending.

peace and love,

Me 🙂

Bipolar Bear (a week to go)

This is it.

I told Muffet that I am more excited to see her visit me in Japan than me actually going there. But that’s half true. I am excited too but for some reason I am having a hard time deciphering what I really feel about this whole thing.

It’s a bit difficult to assess if it’s the fact that I’ll be gone for a long time, longer than my usual shenanigans. I can travel for a month without really missing anybody or anything. I can be gone without anybody really noticing. So I’m not quite sure if that’s the real reason. Maybe it is because this time, I will be on my own.

I’ll be travelling with two colleagues from my college. One is a high school friend and another whom I met because of graduate studies. Carla (my high school friend) and I have this on and off kind of relationship. We see each other after high school but we are not really as close as we use to. We have things in common but sometimes not quite. I tend to be the talkative type; she tends to be the quiet irate one. We will be living in the same neighborhood but I am not sure if our apartments will be near enough. I think that distance is important. Alma, my classmate in grad school, is a different person altogether. I don’t think we have anything in common. But I like her sometimes. Carla doesn’t like her much. But I think her presence will be beneficial, she is the mother-type (she has two children). She has much experience with travelling being a flight attendant for a long time. I can learn from her experiences. And financially, I think she is more stable.

I won’t be completely alone. But with separate apartments, I will be having more alone time. More “me” time.

“Me” time is another thing that I have been wishing and dreading. Ever since I got back from my 1 and a half month stay in Kuala Lumpur assisting my sick sister, I was hoping for a break from everybody. The weight of what I have experienced there (my sister in a coma for 4 days, losing her memory, her not being able to move being bedridden for a long time) is insurmountable. I have never been so tired in my life. The shock is that I didn’t feel weary when I was actually there. I felt it after a month being back home. And the most difficult thing about that, just when I was ready to take that much needed break, it’s already the start of the semester.

So I was wishing for Japan. Japan would be my escape. It would be my time off from the world. But I’m also dreading it too.

Dread sounds a bit awful, but I am also scared that too much “me” time would translate to loneliness. I think I have enough of that already. From losing my dream job, my sister’s aneurysm, my best friend working in a different country, losing my boyfriend, I think I have enough drama. I can even make a soap opera out of my stories. Drama is different from being lonely, but my loneliness or depression tends to create drama in my life. I don’t think I need that.

Muffet said that all these thoughts are because I’m having separation anxiety. I guess she is right. She tends to be right most of the time, except for her own realities.

I know this blog is not encouraging or helping anyone who wishes to travel or stay in a foreign country for a long time but this is a reality we need to face. Leaving our love ones, our own rooms, our friends, and our comfort zone is very difficult. It is a process we all need to undergo. It’s hard but I think we can bear it. That’s also the reason we have blogs or diary, to let loose of some of these emotions, these anxieties so we can take whatever this new adventure will give us.

Japan, I’m coming!